Living with an Alcoholic

Watching someone struggle with alcoholism firsthand can be stressful. Whether it’s your spouse, sibling, child, or roommate, knowing how exactly to show up for them while acknowledging your needs and well-being may feel impossible. 

While you are living with an alcoholic, there are ways you can be there for them. By learning about their alcoholism and what resources are available, you can understand how to be supportive without enabling their addiction or feeling like you’re trying to control them.

Feeling stressed, angry, or guilty is normal when your home and life are upended when you share a life with someone in active alcohol addiction. You may also constantly worry about your loved one’s well-being and feel helpless in their attempts to control or change their behavior. Showing up for someone struggling with alcoholism is hard, but with the right tools and understanding, it is possible.

Impact of Alcoholism on Families

Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD), or alcoholism, is known as a “family disease” because it doesn’t only affect the individual struggling with alcohol addiction; it impacts the entire family system. Alcoholism is disruptive, causing a ripple effect that can have profound and long-lasting consequences on family dynamics and relationships.

Children of alcoholic parents, in particular, are vulnerable to emotional and psychological challenges, including difficulties forming healthy relationships. Approximately 7.5 million children in the U.S. live in homes affected by alcoholism and experience increased conflict and tension within the family. Family members often argue about the alcoholic’s behavior, struggle to maintain boundaries or experience resentment towards one another for not addressing the issue effectively.

Alcoholism can also perpetuate a cycle of addiction within families: children of alcoholics are more likely to develop alcohol-related problems themselves due to genetic and environmental influences, as well as learned behaviors. 

Avoid Enabling an Alcoholic

Understandably, you might worry you’re enabling your loved one. Establishing and maintaining clear boundaries around their alcoholism is critical. Refusing to cover up or make excuses for their behavior, as well as resisting the urge to rescue them from the consequences of their addiction, are challenging to do. However, by encouraging them to seek professional help and recovery groups, you can continue prioritizing your well-being and seeking support. 

Examples of enabling:

• Making excuses for their drinking habits
• Lying about how much or how often they drink
• Lending or giving them money to buy alcohol
• Paying bail funds or legal fees if they suffer legal consequences from their drinking
• Turning a “blind eye” to how much or how often they drink

Sometimes, ignoring the problem feels more manageable than facing it and potentially rocking the boat of your living situation. Because enabling behaviors can contribute to your loved one’s resistance to change, it is essential to avoid them. Learning to set healthy boundaries and enforce them can be one of the most beneficial ways to support someone dealing with alcoholism.

Set Healthy Boundaries 

Family members often develop codependent relationships with their loved ones, where their sense of self-worth becomes dependent on the well-being of the alcoholic. They may prioritize the alcoholic’s needs above their own and neglect their well-being in the process.

Setting boundaries can feel like controlling the other person’s behavior; however, prioritizing your well-being is imperative. Co-dependency can develop in a relationship with an alcoholic as a result of feeling so concerned with their needs that you end up neglecting your own. 

Boundaries serve as firm limits you set to protect your well-being and may involve establishing rules like:

• Not allowing alcohol in the house
• Not financially supporting purchases of alcohol or legal fees related to their behavior in their addiction(s)
• Not allowing contact with you or your children while the person is intoxicated

Setting boundaries with an alcoholic is crucial for your well-being and theirs as well. When setting limits, be direct and specific about what behaviors are unacceptable to you. For example, “I cannot be around you when you’re drinking” or “I won’t engage in conversations when you’re intoxicated.”

Be sure to communicate the consequences of violating your boundaries. For example, you may say, “If you come home drunk again, I will have to leave the house for the night.” Stick with your boundaries and seek support from friends and family to reinforce your intentions. 

It may feel uncomfortable or scary the first time you set a boundary with the alcoholic in your life. It is important to remember that the boundary is for your emotional safety, and you need to hold the boundary. The boundaries are meant to meet your emotional needs and not further support their behaviors. This is one of the first steps to taking back your life and giving them the ability to face their problems with alcohol.

Taking Care of Yourself

In addition to setting boundaries, taking care of your own mental health and well-being is essential when you live with an alcoholic. Supporting someone struggling with alcohol abuse can be emotionally and physically taxing. Practicing self-care could include:

• Getting regular physical exercise
• Journaling to help process your emotions
• Reaching out to your support system
• Seeking out counseling for yourself

Seeking Support for Yourself

You may want to seek out a support group for spouses, family, or friends who have been negatively affected by alcoholism. Support groups can provide an opportunity to build your support system with people who have shared experiences of living with an alcoholic. 

You can safely process your stress with people who understand with support groups, including:

• Al-Anon Groups – A long-time resource for children, spouses, and family members of alcoholics, based on the 12-step Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) model
• NAMI Family Support Groups – An additional support group resource for family members of someone with mental illness, which often includes alcoholism

Interventions: What You Can Do

The reality of living with an alcoholic is no matter your intentions, you can’t control their drinking for them or make them go to a treatment program. 

Having a conversation with someone about their drinking can be the first step in helping them tackle their addiction. These conversations are sometimes scary and uncomfortable, but they might save their life. Make sure to:

• Educate yourself – Learning about alcohol addiction and treatment options is beneficial when bringing your concerns to your loved one. It shows you care and helps you to stick to facts rather than shaming them.
• Time it well – Talking to your loved one at the right time can be critical. Approach them when they are sober and can better digest the information.
• Be honest and direct – Emphasize your feelings and concerns but avoid blaming or using labels.

Remember, it may take more than one well-intentioned conversation. If you live with an alcoholic who has been struggling with addiction for a while, there may be many things in place keeping them from changing their behavior.

If you feel unsafe confronting the alcoholic on your own, you can bring together loved ones or hire a professional interventionist. You do not have to do this alone. 

Seeking Help for Alcoholism

Making long-lasting changes is difficult for anyone. For most alcoholics, giving up alcohol may be one of the hardest decisions they’ll ever make. Often, alcohol is used as a coping mechanism to deal with feelings or difficult experiences and past trauma.

When someone gives up alcohol, it’s just one of the changes they make. They may also have to change their friendships, work settings, and how they cope with difficult thoughts and emotions.

It’s one of life’s biggest challenges to focus on yourself when you live with someone struggling. Do your best to support them while paying attention to your well-being. 

If you’re interested in learning more about treatment for alcohol addiction, contact us at Footprints to Recovery today. Your loved one deserves the professional help they need to pursue a healthy life worth living.