Question:
What to do when a loved one has an alcohol relapse?
Answer:
Watching a loved one relapse can be gut-wrenching. It’s normal to experience a flood of emotions. You may feel angry, sad, scared, and resentful. You thought this was behind your family, and now, here you are again. The fact is, relapse happens a lot, and it doesn’t mean that your loved one is doomed to a life of addiction.
Addiction is a chronic condition, meaning it often involves ongoing symptoms and requires sustained management and support. Unfortunately, alcohol relapse is often misunderstood due to widespread myths and stigma.
Many people believe that relapse is a sign of personal failure or that it only occurs when someone drinks alcohol again, but these are misconceptions. Understanding the myths of alcohol relapse can help mitigate the issue and support recovery.
“It’s easy to become frustrated by your loved one’s repeated attempts to stop using drugs and alcohol,” said Agy Wielechowski, a case manager at Footprints to Recovery. “It’s very easy to think that if they wanted to stop, they would just stop. It may seem that simple in the mind of someone who has never struggled with addiction, but it isn’t that simple at all. In fact, drug and alcohol relapse is a common part of addiction recovery.”
It is important to create a calm and positive environment for someone who has relapsed and to avoid making them feel guilty, as this can increase their stress and hinder recovery.
If you’re wondering what to say to someone who relapsed or what to do when someone relapses, read these 5 important tips.
Key Takeaways
Alcohol relapse is common in recovery and does not mean treatment has failed or that your loved one is beyond help.
Responding with compassion—not blame or shame—can reduce guilt and help prevent a deeper return to addiction.
Healthy boundaries are essential; supporting recovery is different from enabling substance use.
Relapse can be a warning sign that additional support, therapy, or a higher level of care may be needed.
Taking care of your own mental and emotional health is just as important as supporting your loved one.
Understanding Alcohol Relapse
Alcohol relapse is a complex and often misunderstood part of the recovery journey for individuals with alcohol use disorder (AUD). While it can be discouraging to see a loved one return to alcohol consumption after a period of sobriety, it’s important to recognize that relapse is not a sign of failure, but rather a common challenge faced by many recovering alcoholics. Understanding the factors that contribute to relapse can empower both individuals and their families to develop effective relapse prevention strategies and support long-term recovery.
Relapse doesn’t happen overnight. Research in alcohol recovery and addiction treatment has shown that relapse is usually preceded by a series of warning signs—such as increased alcohol cravings, negative emotions, stress, and social pressures. These warning signs can be subtle at first, but if left unaddressed, they can lead to a return to previous levels of alcohol use or even escalate into substance abuse involving other drugs. Recognizing these risk factors early is crucial for preventing relapse and supporting the recovery process.
There are many factors that can increase the risk of relapse, including biological factors like sleep disturbances and mood swings, as well as psychological and social influences. Individuals with a history of drug dependence, substance use disorders, or co-occurring mental health conditions such as depression and anxiety are at higher risk for relapse. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) and other leading organizations recommend a comprehensive, multidisciplinary approach to addiction treatment. This often includes counseling, therapy, medication, and support groups to address the full spectrum of issues that contribute to alcohol addiction.
Developing strong coping mechanisms and relapse prevention skills is essential for maintaining sobriety. Clinical psychology research highlights the importance of self-care, stress management, and building a supportive network to help individuals navigate triggers and negative emotions. Addiction treatment programs, like those offered by American Addiction Centers and South Coast Behavioral Health, provide the tools and resources needed to address both the biological and psychological aspects of alcohol dependence. These programs are designed to help individuals identify their personal risk factors, manage alcohol cravings, and build a treatment plan that supports long-term recovery.
It’s also important to remember that relapse is a part of many people’s recovery process. Studies published in the Yale Journal of Biology and Medicine and annual reviews of alcohol research emphasize that relapse rates are high, but with the right support and treatment, individuals can get back on track. Relapse should be viewed as an opportunity to learn more about one’s triggers and coping skills, rather than a reason to feel guilty or give up on recovery.
Ultimately, understanding alcohol relapse means recognizing that recovery is a lifelong journey that requires ongoing effort, support, and adaptation. By staying informed about the risk factors and warning signs, seeking professional help when needed, and practicing self-care, individuals and their loved ones can work together to prevent alcohol relapse and achieve lasting health and wellness. If you or someone you care about is struggling with alcohol use or has experienced a relapse, know that help is available and recovery is always possible.
#1 Don’t Blame or Shame
The person who has relapsed is likely feeling a lot of shame already. Adding to that will do no good. Research shows that people who relapse may experience the abstinence violation effect. This is the clinical term used when an individual experiences such strong feelings of shame, guilt, and failure when they relapse that they figure they might as well just turn in the towel and head straight back into active addiction. Piling on the shame or blame may just exacerbate this feeling for your loved one.
It is essential to remind your loved one of the progress they have made in their recovery journey, even after a relapse. This encouragement can help them regain hope and motivation to continue moving forward.
Focusing on the fact that a substance use disorder is a disease that changes the brain may help you feel more compassionate in a situation where anger and frustration are understandably often knee-jerk reactions. If you haven’t struggled with addiction, it’s hard to comprehend just how strongly substance abuse can hijack the brain, making it extremely difficult to stop using drugs or alcohol. It’s not just a matter of willpower. Negative emotion is a significant factor in alcohol relapse, and addressing these emotions compassionately can help support recovery.
“Addiction takes over the survival part of the brain, and the substance being abused becomes so central in a person’s life that all their energy, thoughts, and time are consumed by it,” said Wielechowski. “The parts of the brain that are critical to decision-making and behavior control are also changed by repeated substance use. Quitting can be very difficult, even for those who feel ready.”
#2 Address Your Feelings
Allow yourself to feel the many emotions around your loved one’s addiction relapse. Don’t judge your emotions. They’re all valid. Express them in healthy ways without taking them out on your loved one. Give yourself some space before you speak with your loved one about their relapse. “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm,” said Wielechowski. “You are allowed to walk away and take a time out. Remember to breathe, and focus on some self-care steps you can take to feel better.”
Some healthy ways to cope with strong emotions:
- Journal
- Process them in individual therapy
- Talk to a trusted friend or family member
- Allow yourself to cry, yell, or hit a pillow
- Exercise
- Meditate
- Do something that feels meditative to you like knitting, golfing, or playing an instrument
- Attend a 12-step meeting for loved ones like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon
Once the emotions from your loved one’s alcohol or drug relapse feel less raw and intense, try to speak with them about it. It’s okay to express your feelings to them, but do so in a way that doesn’t cast blame. Using “I” words is a good rule of thumb. For example:
What not to say to someone who relapsed:
- How could you do this to me? You’re ruining your life and our family.
- What is wrong with you? Why can’t you just stop?
- You were doing so well in recovery. How could you throw it all away?
What to say to someone who relapsed:
- I feel sad and frustrated, and I’m worried about your life and our family. I struggle sometimes with how to best help you.
- I understand that relapse is sometimes a normal part of recovery because it’s a chronic disease. How can I help?
- Let’s get you some help so you can learn from this relapse and strengthen your relapse prevention skills.
“A drug or alcohol relapse is not the end, and it does not mean that treatment has ‘failed,’” Wielechowski. Always remember to take a step back and gauge the situation. Don’t assume that this misstep will cause your loved one’s or your entire life to be destroyed.”
#3 Keep Healthy Boundaries
Seeing your loved one struggle with addiction is tough. Holding your boundaries when someone relapses may feel like kicking them when they’re down, but that’s not the case. There’s a difference between supporting and enabling. If you’re wondering what to do when someone relapses, this is at the top of the list. Keeping healthy boundaries right now can mean the difference between them getting the substance abuse treatment they need or spiraling further into a relapse. Setting boundaries also helps prevent enabling addictive behaviors—patterns that maintain addiction and increase the risk of alcohol relapse. The main message that comes across with boundaries is that you love them and support them, but you will not support their self-destructive behaviors like alcohol and drug abuse.
Boundaries for addicted people look different depending on the situation, but common ones include:
I won’t let you live here if you continue abusing drugs or alcohol.
I won’t support you financially while you’re in active addiction. This could include not paying for phone bills, rent, car payments, gas, or groceries.
I won’t bail you out of legal or financial trouble tied to drug and alcohol misuse.
I won’t make excuses for you if you skip work, school, or social obligations.
It’s also important to create a supportive environment by removing alcohol-related items from the home and encouraging new hobbies or activities. This helps reduce exposure to alcohol-related triggers and supports healthier routines, making it easier to prevent relapse.
Let your loved one know you want to be the first person they call when they’re ready to attend substance abuse treatment and get back on track, but you love them too much to enable the behaviors that are contributing to their addiction.
“The recovery process can be a hard and long road, but with time and the proper tools, you and your loved one can heal,” said Wielechowski. “Drug and alcohol relapse is a completely natural part of addiction, and it is never your fault.”
#4 Encourage Them to Get Help
A relapse doesn’t always mean a return to drug rehab is necessary. However, it usually means some form of substance abuse treatment is a good idea. After a relapse, it is important to seek treatment and seek support from professional support services, support groups, or loved ones. Individuals in recovery should be encouraged to seek help immediately after a relapse to adjust their treatment plan and reinforce their commitment to sobriety. Support groups for sobriety like SMART Recovery (smartrecovery.org) differentiate between a relapse and a slip. They consider a slip to be a brief, one-time event that couldn’t be foreseen. This could include a brief slip into substance abuse as a reaction to things like a job loss, death of a loved one, or being blindsided by a trigger. SMART Recovery considers a relapse to be drug or alcohol abuse that continues for days or weeks when people fall into past patterns like hanging out with “drug friends,” missing support groups, and feeling “homesick” for their old lifestyle.
Alcohol relapse typically progresses through three stages: emotional relapse, mental relapse, and physical relapse. Alcohol relapse starts with emotional and mental cues before someone actually starts drinking again. During emotional relapse, a person is not actively thinking about drinking, but their emotions and behaviors are leading them in that direction. Physical relapse occurs when a person starts drinking alcohol again after a period of sobriety. Recognizing these early warning signs and taking proactive steps to prevent relapse is crucial for long-term recovery.
With a slip, your loved one might just need to increase their individual therapy sessions, attend more recovery support groups, or look into an outpatient program that meets two to three times a week in the day or evenings. If their return to drugs and alcohol looks more like a relapse where they have moved back into active addiction and old lifestyle habits, a return to drug rehab might be the best decision. Inpatient treatment can give them space and time away from triggers, so they can focus on themselves, what they can learn from the relapse, and how to move forward.
“This is actually a great opportunity to look back at the last few weeks or months and try to figure out if there were any situations that may have triggered the drug or alcohol relapse,” said Wielechowski. “This is a time to assess coping skills and allow your loved one to make a stronger relapse plan. Relapse can be an opportunity to strengthen their recovery.”
#5 Take Care of Yourself
If you’ve attended a family program at a drug rehab center or any support group for loved ones of addicted people, you’ve heard how important it is to take care of yourself. It may seem cliche, but it’s true. When you sacrifice self-care, you can become physically and mentally depleted, which isn’t good for you or your loved one. Taking care of yourself is important for both of you. Worrying and focusing all of your energy on
your loved one’s addiction isn’t going to change them. You can give them love and support that doesn’t enable, but you can’t do the work for them.
One helpful tool is the HALT method (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired), which identifies physical and emotional states that are top triggers for cravings and relapse. Recognizing when you or your loved one are experiencing any of these states can help prevent relapse by addressing these needs early.
Ways to take care of yourself include:
Getting enough sleep
Eating three nutritious meals a day
Prioritizing regular, nutritious meals and adequate sleep to prevent the “Hungry” and “Tired” components of HALT
Exercising
Journaling
Meditating or practicing mindfulness
Spending time with people you enjoy
Attending Al-Anon, Nar-Anon, or other support groups
Regular attendance at support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or SMART Recovery is important for recovery
Seeing a therapist
Continuing to take part in hobbies or fun activities
Preventing alcohol relapse requires a structured, long-term approach that includes developing coping skills and building a strong support network. Staying sober is a realistic and important goal, but it’s also important to have realistic expectations—up to 90% of people in alcohol recovery may experience at least one relapse before achieving long-term sobriety. Understanding relapse risk and relapse rates can help you and your loved one prepare for challenges and focus on recovery. Ongoing research and future studies are needed to improve relapse prevention strategies and outcomes for those in recovery.
“Whether or not your loved one is willing to seek addiction help, remember to take care of yourself,” said Wielechowski. “You are not responsible for other people’s actions or emotions, and they are not responsible for yours. You can’t change how someone else feels or thinks. You may be able to influence them for the better, but ultimately, people decide their own behavior.”
We understand what you’re going through, and we can help both you and your loved one bounce back from this relapse. We’ll help your loved one identify the reasons that led to relapse, develop healthy coping skills, and create a detailed relapse prevention plan for moving forward. We offer recovery resources for you as well such as family therapy and family education so that you can heal alongside your loved one.
Our drug and alcohol addiction treatment centers offer different levels of care so your loved one has options. Footprints’ drug and alcohol rehabilitation programs include:
You are an important part of your loved one’s long-term recovery. Research shows when people believe that their family supports them in their recovery, they have a better chance of staying sober.
“Know that your support matters and try to always be patient. Keep in mind that your loved one may be feeling ashamed, afraid and hopeless,” said Wielechowski. “Neither of you are alone, and there is always hope.”
If your loved one has relapsed, we can help. Call us for a free phone consultation and insurance verification.
We Can Help
We understand what you’re going through, and we can help both you and your loved one bounce back from this relapse. We’ll help your loved one identify the reasons that led to relapse, develop healthy coping skills, and create a detailed relapse prevention plan for moving forward. We offer recovery resources for you as well such as family therapy and family education so that you can heal alongside your loved one.
Our drug and alcohol addiction treatment centers offer different levels of care so your loved one has options. Footprints’ drug and alcohol rehabilitation programs include:
- Medical drug and alcohol detox
- Residential treatment
- Partial hospitalization program (PHP)
- Intensive outpatient treatment
- Outpatient program
- Sober living residences
- Alumni program
You are an important part of your loved one’s long-term recovery. Research shows when people believe that their family supports them in their recovery, they have a better chance of staying sober.
“Know that your support matters and try to always be patient. Keep in mind that your loved one may be feeling ashamed, afraid and hopeless,” said Wielechowski. “Neither of you are alone, and there is always hope.”
If your loved one has relapsed, we can help. Call us for a free phone consultation and insurance verification.
